I never thought I would be in a situation to want to be just a mom again. Almost two years ago, after the birth of our third child, I resigned from a hectic position as a manager so I can focus only on our children. I remember my job to be demanding, and I could never balance even when I tried. So I quit that position to be just a mom. It was going well, you know, until COVID-19. I stepped into new roles when schools closed in March of 2020. I become a pre-school teacher, a 2nd-grade teacher, a speech therapist, and an occupational therapist. I learned how to use a speech device and how to advocate on behalf of our autistic son.
So why did I want to be just a mom? The most straightforward answer was because I was unable to function as just a mom anymore. I sacrificed my overall well-being in exchange for playing these new roles.
I am a mother to A, (8), J, (5), and K, (1.5). When distance learning started in March, our daughter, K, now 1.5, was only six months old and breastfeeding. The hardest decision I made as a mom in 2020 was to stop breastfeeding. I convinced myself that I needed to stop breastfeeding to have more energy for our boy’s distance learning. And with that decision, I developed extreme guilt. I thought that I was hurting her growth, and I feared losing our bonding time together. I convinced myself that it had to be one or the other: breastfeed or distant learning. Our daughter also had to spend a lot of time at my mom’s home because she was at an age where she needed naps and 24/7 care, the care I could not give her days where I had multiple google and zoom meetings with our boys. This separation from her started eating at me. I missed her, but I was so busy that time would go by. But in my heart, I also believed that I could not take care of her like my mom was. Our daughter always looked radiant and well-rested at my mom’s. I felt guilt as a mom to have her with me when I could not give her the complete care she needed. And to be honest, I could not replicate the environment she had at my mom’s every day and still be available to be a teacher/therapist. So I carried around with me this experience of guilt and feeling like I was not the best mom because I could not care for all our children at the same time.
I checked in with myself about my needs the day I heard myself crying on the phone while talking to my husband about A’s schedule. For over a year, I fully participated in being a mom, teacher, and therapist. I remember crying but more like freaking out while discussing with Muneer about A’s schedule for the next few days. The appointments in discussion were not happening that day or the next; on the contrary, they were 2 or 3 days away. I felt anxious about any upcoming appointments. I remember telling my husband, “I can’t do this anymore. I just want to be a mom,” and “I am going to email his teachers and let them know.” My husband says, “Don’t rush into it, just sleep on it” I’m like, “No, I am done. I just want to be a mom. I want just to make them breakfast and lunch and clean up after them”. I could not handle performing these roles on top of being a mom.
I realized that all I needed to do was cancel everything. I mean, it was that easy. But I did not come to this realization without days of crying and mom meltdowns. Once I knew what I needed to do for myself, I ran with it.
Thursday is our busiest day on the schedule, and I decided to inform all his teachers about what I needed. At 10:20 am, I met with A’s speech therapist. I had to be vulnerable about how I felt. I explained that I could not show up for our meetings because of my mental and emotional well-being. I explained that I struggled with a lot of anxiety the past week regarding A’s appointments. At 11 am, I met with his occupational therapist, and at 11:30 am with his homeroom teacher, repeating the exact words that I said to his speech therapist, I requested to cancel all future meetings. I had to talk about my mental and emotional wellness during these meetings, primarily for myself. I was asking staff to cancel everything with only three weeks left off the school year. Talking about my struggles aloud allowed me to understand that I had needs as a mom. His teacher and therapists were very understanding. They assured me that my burnout was normal. They reminded me that I was doing a great job and that he would not miss out and be back to his regular school routine in the fall. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders and the fog in my brain clearing out. As a mom, I pushed and pushed myself to the limit for everybody around me. I had the power and strength to do a lot for everyone else without realizing how much effort I took. I have consistently been placing my needs second and third to everyone else’s needs; I mean, that is just what a mom does. But the pandemic made mom sacrifice worse because, as a mom, I had no beginning and end to my days. Letting go of three weeks’ worth of appointments might not seem a lot, but at that time, it felt like I got a chance to take some long deep breaths that I did not have opportunities to do.
I wanted to be just a mom because I was no longer that. I quit being anything but a mom because I felt that I was failing as a mom. I resigned from a job I enjoyed because of the guilt of not being just a mom. I was exhausted two years ago, and I was exhausted when I decided to be just a mom once again. I want to be a mom because I needed to do it for myself. So that once I was in a good place, emotionally, mentally, and physically, then I could show up as just a mom.